Senator Hillary Clinton on the "The Colbert Report" with Stephen Colbert April 17, 2008 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)
by Rick Pearson
PHILADELPHIA--Unsuccessful in his attempt to become a presidential candidate in his native South Carolina, comedy show host Stephen Colbert was forced to rely on the
"expertise" of Sen. Hillary Clinton during a taping of tonight's "Colbert Report."
Concluding a series of shows from Philadelphia in advance of Pennsylvania's primary on Tuesday, Colbert opened his show with a technical glitch--his fancy high-tech digital backdrop featuring such scenes as the Liberty Bell and the Phillie Phanatic wouldn't work and his electronics experts were all back in New York.
"Are you telling me, there's no one in this theater to fix the mess we're in?" Colbert asks his director, "Jimmy," in providing an entrance line for Clinton to walk on stage.
"Let me handle this," Clinton tells Colbert as the New York senator quizzes "Jimmy" about truly technical issues that would puzzle a member of the Geek Squad. "About the screen, are you using a digital or analog production truck?" was one of Clinton's questions.
Finally she suggests "try toggling the input" and the electronic backdrop magically lights up.
Clinton then tells Colbert his "forehead is a little shiny" and she calls for a makeup assistant to provide some "translucent powder."
"Wow Sen. Clinton, you're so prepared for any situation. I just don't know how to thank you enough," Colbert responds.
"I just love solving problems," Clinton tells him. "Call me anytime."
"Really?" Colbert asks.
"Sure," Clinton says. "Call me at 3 a.m."
While the sketch was appreciated by the studio audience perhaps better than it might play out on television, the real "report" from the "Colbert Report," was that Clinton met backstage privately with John Edwards, her one time rival for the Democratic nomination. The former North Carolina senator was also a guest on the program and has been wooed for an endorsement by Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama.
Obama also will appear on the show. He taped a segment today that was apparently supposed to be a surprise.
Here what happened as told by a reporter who witnessed it for the rest of the traveling press corps and filed a report.
The crowd on the riser behind the stage had been asked to stay and the audience was told to stay quiet before the show began lest it disrupt Sen. Obama's ability to hear. The audience didn't make a sound when Obama came out. He waved and put his finger to his lips to signal the "be quiet" sound. He waved again and the audience waved back, in unison and in silence.
Staffers (Arun and Marvin) held cue cards next to a camera on the stage as everyone waited for the feed to start. Obama stood with his arms crossed across his chest.
After Obama chatted through his earpiece with a producer, Stephen Colbert's voice came on, announcing the end of the show, taped today in Philadelphia and which Sen. Clinton had sat for earlier this afternoon.
What follows is the transcript, somewhat devoid of context since we hadn't seen the rest of the show or what was happening in Philadelphia.
Stephen Colbert: I really wish Senator Obama could have joined us tonight
Barack Obama (reading off cue cards): So do I Stephen.
Stephen: Senator Obama! (pause) Can you hear me?
Obama: (Pause) Stephen are you there? (Crosstalk) I can hear you just fine.
Stephen: Won't Senator Clinton be happy that she fixed our screen?
Obama: I'm sure she will, Stephen. I'm sure she will.
Stephen: I enjoyed the debate last night, though I have to take issue with you calling some of the questions manufactured political distractions.
Obama: Well Stephen, I think the American people are tired of these political games and petty distractions
Stephen: Sir, speaking for the news media, speaking for the news media, we are not tired of it. It allows us to ask the same questions over and over again. It's a lot less work.
Obama: Stephen, these distractions they won't help us fix our economy, they won't help get people health care. They won't get us out of Iraq. Stephen, I would go so far as to say I want to put these political distractions on notice.
Stephen: What!?
Obama: Boys, bring out the on notice board.
Stephen: What?
Stephen: Senator, I have to warn you, I probably don't have a card for distractions.
(Stephen sifts through a card box)
Let me I see I've got Dimetapp, Dionne Warwick, Deion Sanders, Dion comma Celine, Dirigibiles, There we go! Distractions!
Okay senator, uh, something's gonna have to come off, what should I remove?
Obama: Well it can't be grizzly bears, they are the number one threat to America.
Stephen: Good man
Obama: I think we should take off James Brady, he's a good guy.
Stephen; Alright, Brady. This is your lucky day.
(Stpehen pulls off Brady)
Stephen: Okay here we go - distractions, I hope you're paying attention.
(Stephen puts in Distraction)
Stephen: Wham! How's that taste?
Obama: Manufactured, manufactured political distractions, you are officially on notice.
Stephen: Thank you Senator Obama. Thank you Philly!
(applause from the audience in North Carolina, and Philadelphia)
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Comments
John Edwards' media reform plank is about the only thing HILARY has not adopted in her campaign strategy.
Obama failed in last night's debate.
His platform is vastly inferior to Hilary's.
If Obama has complaints that the debates weren't like the Colbert Report, or SNL, then he needs to spend money focusing on his PLATFORM (and he could add a media reform plank if he wanted to, but he doesn't).
Finally last night, Obama's feet were held to the fire a LITTLE and look at the screaming.
I hope Edwards is going to endorse HIlary soon!
Posted by: ReformtheMediaHilary! | April 17, 2008 8:43 PM
Yep, that's exactly where Clinton belongs alright, A COMEDY SHOW!!...afterall her campaign has been a running joke for long time now....
http://s184.photobucket.com/albums/x316/thebronx2007/?action=view¤t=Hillary_Spies.gif
Posted by: John E | April 17, 2008 9:22 PM
hope Edwards is going to endorse HIlary soon!
Posted by: ReformtheMediaHilary! | April 17, 2008 8:43 PM
First off you moron, just like most of America, John Edwars hates the Clintons and secondly the Clintons aren't going to change the media because THEY ARE PART OF THE CORPORATE MEDIA, just ask former Clinton White House, homer media flunkie, George Stephanoplis...
Posted by: o | April 17, 2008 9:32 PM
If Edwards does endorse that NAFTA Iraq/Iran War voting corporate money accepting bad actress candidate named Hillary Clinton, it will just prove to me that Edwards was never about the people to begin with.
Posted by: Norman | April 17, 2008 10:05 PM
Norman and o (for Oprah? Oprah? is that you? I need a NEW CAR!) - - stephanopoulous kept hilary on point too--it's just that Obama rambled too much (arrogance will do that to you)
As far as the war---BARRY KEEPS VOTING FOR IT!
As for the campaign contributions--he LIES about pac money, you tool!
Remember--either Hilary or Obama will be the candidate against McCain.
Posted by: benice | April 17, 2008 10:29 PM
Obama is whining about last night's debate. He was given the "Hillary treatment" for a change. What a crybaby!
Posted by: annette | April 18, 2008 12:38 AM
As far as the war---BARRY KEEPS VOTING FOR IT!
As for the campaign contributions--he LIES about pac money, you tool!
Remember--either Hilary or Obama will be the candidate against McCain.
Posted by: benice | April 17, 2008 10:29 PM
Catherine,
Obama is voting for funds for the troops BECAUSE HE HAS TO KEEP THEM FUNDED IF THEY'RE GOING TO BE THERE AND BE SAFE, it's the same reason your nutty candidate, Hillary, keeps voting for war funding.
That still doesn't explain why Clinton voted YES with Bush and Cheney for this damn war, especially since she didn't even bother to read the pre-war intelligence report!!!
Go burn your bra somewhere else...
Posted by: John E | April 18, 2008 12:46 AM
I think you'll find if you compare the voting records of the two senators, specifically in regards to the war in Iraq, the only real discrepency is that Hillary voted to authorize it initially. Granted, Obama was still in state legislature at that point, but he had written and spoken out publically (and with great foresight) against it. I also think if you compare the numbers on campaign contributions, you'll rethink your attack on him in that regard. The Democrats have two strong candidates with very similar platforms and stances on key issues. The differences that matter are, to an extent, matters of style: Clinton, while she is smart and capable, has some of the highest unfavorable ratings of any politician going. She is entrenched in the Washington culture of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch your tax". Conservatives hate her and she has already proven (via her largely failed healthcare reform push in the early 90s) that others in the legislature find her difficult to work with. Obama is, by all accounts, very well-liked and respected (except, of course, by anyone running against him) as a Senator who can and does work across the aisle, and he has done so repeatedly since becoming one.
Hillary has a great deal going for her, but we have just gone through 16 years of Presidents that the opposing party found impossible to stomach, and the result has been political gridlock and increasing disenchantment with the government - it is vital that we elect a President who is not so entrenched in a bipartisan culture of DC that has become so severe that it almost seems a moral civil war, that he or she cannot lead.
Obama belongs in the oval office - Hillary is too divisive a figure. She belongs in a high-level cabinet position, where she can fully extend her real skills; being thorough, hardworking, and keenly intelligent. Who knows, maybe Chelsea got lucky and inherited her mother's analytical abilities and tenacity and her father's personable nature, and there may be another Clinton in the oval office yet.
Posted by: cizmad | April 18, 2008 1:27 AM
As far as the war---BARRY KEEPS VOTING FOR IT!
As for the campaign contributions--he LIES about pac money, you tool!
Remember--either Hilary or Obama will be the candidate against McCain.
Posted by: benice | April 17, 2008 10:29 PM
The Republicans couldn't ask for a better friend than the one have in Hillary Clinton.
In a year that the Repugs have no business being anywhere near the White House and in a year that they have a godawful old man Bush clone (McCain) as their nominee, Clinton decides that if she can't have the Dem nomination then she's going to just blowup the whole damn Democratic Party.
There's a saying about the Clinton's and it goes like this:
"The Clintons are always there for you, when they need you"
No truer words were ever spoken.
I almost feel sorry for all of the delusional Clinton cheerleaders out there, they really have lost touch with reality and they should seek out some psychological help as for why they feel the need to use the Clintons to cover up for their own personal shortcomings in life.
Posted by: drain you | April 18, 2008 2:36 AM
I AM SO OFFENDED. Offended by the lack of comedy!
They couldn't come up with anything funnier than "distractions"? They brought back the notice board for THAT?
Why does Obama hate comedy?
Posted by: EV | April 18, 2008 7:17 AM
Geez......what's next with Hillary......baking cookies on the air with Paula Deen or Rachel Ray??
Posted by: gangwise | April 18, 2008 8:07 AM
drain you---why would you get so PERSONAL?
Is it because the messiah models bad behavior for all those high school debate teams that will now be disqualified if they follow the messiah's model of behavior?
HE FLIPPED OFF HILARY after whining about being unable to answer rightful questions.
It's posted on the swamp here.
He says her name.
He seems to remember to raise his jmiddle finger to his face
after the pause he says 'she' and pauses while rubbing his face with his middle finger.
Posted by: Conduct Unbecoming | April 18, 2008 1:15 PM
I enjoyed the show last night and thought it was funny that they had Hillary opening for Obama. In comedy you have an "opener", a "middle" and a "headliner" ... Obama was given the headliner position. While this subtlety may be lost on most people, Colbert knew what he was doing. Way to go Stephen, good choice!
Posted by: Rebecca | April 18, 2008 2:26 PM
The star of the show was definitely JOHN EDWARDS.
Hillary was self-effacing and a good sport to poke fun at herself.
Obama complained some more about distractions, because he really really wants to talk about issues, if it weren't for these darn distractions! But let's talk some more about these distractions!
In contrast, Edwards was fantastic - charming, self-deprecating, ISSUE-ORIENTED, and just hilarious.
Posted by: Evie | April 18, 2008 3:51 PM