by Matthew Hay Brown

Executives from Exxon Mobil, Shell and BP America all have been called to account before Congress today on oil company profits and rising prices at the pump. One oil baron who wishes he had been invited, according to House Republican Leader John A. Boehner, is Hugo Chávez.

With the hearing of the House Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming now underway, Boehner has released the “testimony” of the Venezuelan strongman. As the Ohio Republican has it, Chávez is particularly interested in expressing grattitude to House Democrats for tax breaks that he says would benefit CITGO, the state-owned oil giant.

“It is especially relieving to know that while CITGO receives these tax breaks, five other major oil companies – including American-owned companies employing thousands of working Americans – will be forced to pay higher taxes, raising energy costs on consumers in your country and endangering scores of jobs as well,” Chávez says. “Please extend my gratitude to Speaker Pelosi, Majority Leader Hoyer, Whip Clyburn, Chairman Emanuel, and everyone who played a role in scheduling this legislation for a vote in the House of Representatives.

“Being a socialist dictator is a difficult – and often lonely – burden these days,” he continues. “As more nations move toward democracy, the number of socialist dictators in our world is declining, and we can use all the help we can get.”

It is, of course, an April Fool’s Day joke. The complete “testimony” follows.

“Chairman Markey, though I was unable to attend today’s hearing in person, I hope you will accept this written testimony. More importantly, I hope you will accept my sincere ‘thank you’ for the tax breaks the new Democratic Majority provided to my state-owned oil giant, CITGO, in recent ‘energy’ legislation passed by the House of Representatives.

“It is especially relieving to know that while CITGO receives these tax breaks, five other major oil companies – including American-owned companies employing thousands of working Americans – will be forced to pay higher taxes, raising energy costs on consumers in your country and endangering scores of jobs as well. Please extend my gratitude to Speaker Pelosi, Majority Leader Hoyer, Whip Clyburn, Chairman Emanuel, and everyone who played a role in scheduling this legislation for a vote in the House of Representatives.

“Being a socialist dictator is a difficult – and often lonely – burden these days. As more nations move toward democracy, the number of socialist dictators in our world is declining, and we can use all the help we can get. As I seek to keep our socialist movement afloat in South America, it is comforting to know that I have such strong allies in the House Democratic Majority.

“Though the American economy is struggling and families in your country are feeling the strain from rising costs for everything from food to fuel, I’m pleased the House Majority did not allow these realities to stand in the way of your admirable efforts to raise taxes on them in order to pay for more government spending and, more importantly, my own tax breaks.

“Moreover, I am so grateful that you have overlooked my repeated threats to cut off Venezuelan energy supplies to your nation and my consistently cozy relationship with the Castro regime in Cuba – regardless of which Castro is in charge. To know that I will receive tax breaks not provided to my global competitors, even in spite of my radical Left-wing, authoritarian ideology, gives me great confidence in my future relationship with this Congress.

“Before I conclude, I hope you will permit me to make two additional pitches for policy actions out of this Congress. First, Chairman Markey, I want to applaud the ongoing support that has reportedly been provided by at least one of your House Democratic colleagues for my Marxist brothers in the Colombian FARC – a terrorist organization I have been working closely with to expand my influence in that nation. News reports recently detailed a trip one senior House Democrat made to Colombia to force Colombian President Alvaro Uribe – an American ally – to position me as a mediator between Colombia and the FARC. As you might expect, I wholeheartedly supported that effort and strongly encourage similar meetings in the future as well.

“Likewise, Mr. Chairman, I strongly encourage you to impress upon your Democratic colleagues how vital it is to my influence in South America that the Majority continues bottling up the so-called U.S.-Colombia free trade agreement. As you might expect, free trade between your nation and my neighbors in Colombia would be a sharp blow to my efforts to expand my reach throughout South America, and any assistance you can provide me in derailing the agreement would be most appreciated.

“In conclusion, Mr. Chairman, though I understand not being invited to today’s politically-motivated, made-for-TV hearing on the oil industry, please know that I am ready and willing to provide whatever assistance I can to advance the House Majority’s policy goals, on energy and otherwise. I hope you will relay that message to your Democratic leadership team, and I appreciate the opportunity to thank you for your ongoing assistance to my socialist regime.”