An open letter to Congress: The Swamp
The Swamp
Chicago Tribune
Posted September 20, 2008 10:55 AM
The Swamp

September 20, 2008

To: Congress

From: James Oliphant

Hey Congress. You really want to do something? You want to help?

Bail me out.

I'm serious. I'm working on almost 25 years of erratic judgment, poor financial decisions, questionable relationships, employment reversals. The list goes on and on. As a matter of fact, the other day, I bought this comforter that was on clearance at Target. Then I got home and realized that if it was draped on my bed and matched next to my area rug, my apartment would be like living inside of a kaleidoscope.

Not a good decision.

I've taken risks. And I don't mind telling you that not all of those risks panned out. Like when I moved to a small town in Colorado with no job and literally no plan for financial survival. Turns out food costs the same there as it does here. That really didn't work out so well. Or that Match.com date. I had to leave the restaurant through the kitchen. Again, a roll of the dice that really didn't go my way. Or when I thought I knew how to fix my iPod with no knowledge of electronics repair. Or those left-handed golf clubs. Or when I didn't get insurance on that rental truck. I didn't even know you could do that to another vehicle, didn't know the metal skin of a car can peel off like the outside of an onion.

Bad plays, all of them. But you can't be a high-roller without some pain in your game.

Okay, maybe I should have married that woman in college. She's probably a huge success now. Or taken that job in Boston. Or not turned down that one in Los Angeles to move to Cleveland. Or flossed more. Or, you know, filed that income tax return. As it turns out, the IRS keeps track of stuff like that. They have computers.

But Nancy, Harry, can we talk? You can help. Make it all go away. Wave the wand.

Bail me out. Heck, buy me out. You can have a share of the franchise. Like some of those derivatives and subprime mortgages, I might surprise you down the road and pay off. You can get in the ground floor, Congress. Pardners.


And let me tell you something, it's not going to take any $1 trillion either. I am a steal at, I don't know, let's say, heck, $300 million. That's a drop in the bucket. We just spent that in Iraq as I wrote that sentence. A steal.

Think about how you will be changing the lives of everyday Americans. Not just mine, but the lives of family members, friends and co-workers, all of whom in some way or another, have been along for the whole sorry ride, who've had to make the late-night pick-ups, look in the fields for my car keys, or come to the emergency room, the people who've stolidly stood by for nights of endless second-guessing and rumination. Borne witness to self-doubt and loathing, forced to mutter platitudes over and over again about how things will get better, how a few lousy decisions don't ruin a man's life. They are emotionally exhausted. They need some relief.

And yes, I understand there have to be some conditions. I'm not looking for carte blanche. I wouldn't even know where to put it. So go ahead, create some new regulatory apparatus. Some kind of board or authority that I can answer to. If anyone needs a few new rules and regs promulgated, it's me. Heck, you know what, just as our friends on Wall Street are doing, I will write them myself. Who knows me better than me? That way, you don't have to do a thing.

In fact, I'm going to put the finishing touches on the proposal over the weekend and get you something early next week. Let's say Monday. Then maybe we can whip that baby through the pipeline so you can get on home for campaign season and tell people that you have improved the lives of ordinary people just like them.

Thanks, Congress. I owe you one, buddy.

Jim


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Comments

Bail out Happy

* Just ask, and we’ll bail you out.
No matter who you’re: AIG, FNM, FRE…
Lehman Brothers, get a bridge loan quick and help is coming.
1 billion to Georgia even you did not ask.
Use it to dig a big hole to sink Russian tanks before they crush your police cruisers.

* See the incredible results.
Instead of 9 out of 10 voters lose his job, only 1.
Instead of 9 out of 10 investors jump out of the window, only 1.

* How to get the bail money?
Most voters do not know 1 billion from 1 million.
Until some idiot explains 1 billion is equal to a 12 pack for each voter.
Or, just speed up the money-printing machine.
Until they spend $1,000 for a French champagne.
Or, ask the Chinese to loan us more money.
Until our credit cards from China are all maxed out.

* The best solution: sell Alaska to Russia.
Republicans declare great success in buy low and sell high.
Democrats agree finally, as long as no Russian governor as our vice president.
How hard to write a check to solve a ‘big’ problem?

By TonyP4, a sad day in US


Well all I know is Obama wins, I will get a check. That sounds great to me. But seriously folks, Jim feels like a lot of us do right now. How come you have to loose billions to get bailed out. How about $50K? I could do something with $50K. In the mean time, for proff that pigs can fly, http://www.boppoll.com. Maybe only pigs with libstick can fly.


Bet congress will keep stuffing their pockets


I thought it was pretty weird to see a commercial for AIG this morning on TV.


Seems like Wall Street has finally accepted the concept of a welfare state, a safety net, now that it desperately needs one after years of arrogant stupidity.

But-- and this is very important-- ALWAYS remember, whatever the government does for Wall Street, IT has no right to expect anything of them, such as acceptance of increased regulation, in return.

That's reserved for the common people.


You should have bought some of those Sarah Palin glasses if you really wanted to buy something dumb.

Loved your post!


So let me see if I understand this, Republicans: Government gives welfare check to single mother with kids = bad. Government gives bailout to corporations that have been pillaged and robbed by stockholders and overpaid executives = good. Welfare "reform," i.e.abolition = good. Regulating the thieves in big business = bad. And people are actually to going to vote for the Republican presidential ticket again? Incredible!


INSTEAD OF TRYING TO STEAM UP>Why don't you tell them the facts. Like the housing market bursting in Clinton administration and them giving specially made Minority Bank Loans to prop it back up. Forget that they couldn't afford them otherwise.

Then, the Democrats pushed hard for Bush to give special Minority bank loans. They said it wasn't fair they couldn't buy houses. The rates went up as the loans said they would and people who were already in housing above their means couldn't make the payments and with such a great number of these unqualified loans out there the banks couldn't get their money back as they thought they would if someone defaulted. The real culprets are the DEMOCRATS for trying to be GOOD DOERS by giving people special loans while so many American DON'T BUY HOUSES because we can't afford it, and NOW WE ARE ASKED TO BAIL THESE SPECIAL PEOPLE LOANS AND BANKS OUT. NOw, that's not the real kicker, we get to get an extra kick in the stomach while hearing liberal MEDIA blaming the Republican for it RATHER THEN DEMS AS IT SHOULD BE ...all in hopes their Obama candidate wins (THE #2man taking money from Fannie/Freddie and also recipent of Lehmans money too).

YOU PEOPLE REALLY STINK!


Goggle John McCain 2005 govtrack

FEDERAL HOUSING ENTERPRISE REGULATORY REFORM ACT OF 2005

McCain was acting on Fannie Mae years ago.

He saw the problem with Fannie Mae!

For a previous poster:

Yea, Jim Johnson, former CEO of Fannie Mae, left Obama's team AFTER he help vet Biden as the Vice President pick.

Johnson was actively involved with Obama!


James - your are the definition of a penny stock.

Welcome to the nanny state.


how about refunding that 10% tax on my early withdrawl on my 401K cause I got laid off?


Guess who the lawyer was at ACORN the agitator group that was pushing for these subprime loans for the poor>

http://www.ibdeditorials.com/IBDArticles.aspx?id=306544845091102

Pelosi and Dodd, and a bunch of Democrats along with a handful of Republicans were the ones in congress that got these loans going. Dodd is #1 getting contributions from Frannie and Obama #2>the Acorn Lawyer who pushed for the poor minorities to be treated better and given loans.

Black and Whites that had the same income levels had different credit ratings. Blacks credit rating were terrible and they weren't given these loans , so it was said to be RACISM that kept them from getting them, and THAT IS HOW THEY PRESSURED PEOPLE.


Black and Whites that had the same income levels had different credit ratings. Blacks credit rating were terrible and they weren't given these loans , so it was said to be RACISM that kept them from getting them, and THAT IS HOW THEY PRESSURED PEOPLE.

Posted by: OCTOBER SURPRISE EARLY | September 20, 2008 8:14 PM
_________________________
Ooohhhh. You really need to get back on your medication. Really. I hope you are doing better soon. I really worry for you. Really. Really.


The McCain-Palin ticket is truly a bridge to nowhere.


No Republican thinks this is good. This is the exact opposite of every principle of capitalism that there is. Survival of the fittest in the economic landscape is not occurring, and we're all going to pay for it. Probably helps the socialists perspective.


Hey I've been layed off 3 times this year. 3 TIMES! I'm currently out of work. It's the bankers fault all this has happened. Put some of them out on the street and let them see what it's like. But NO, lets GIVE them money to stay in business so they can continue to screw up the common mans life some more. It's time to PUNISH those who have trashed our economy. These big shot CEO's should be stripped of all there posessions and thrown in jail. Or, forced to live on the street in a box. That might be my next move. Thanks Wall Street for ruining my life!


Hasn't anyone actually read "Atlas Shrugged?"

I say this: for once in my life, I am glad that I don't own property, have little savings, have no investments and live hand to mouth. When the other shoe drops - and it will soon - I'll have nothing to fear or lose.

I say, elect McCain. It'll speed up the process of REAL change because this system we're living in can't go on much longer before a ground up revolt.


These corporate bigshots overspend like drunks, go broke, then cry to Bush for welfare. And our idiot President, who let them get into trouble in the first place, suggests a huge $700 payoff that conveniently gives Bush (or his secretary) total power, bypassing any Congressional oversight and violating the Constitution's checks and balances. Gee, what a great idea!

Congratulations, you morons that voted for Bush. Not only is he about the worst President ever, but every time he screws things up he comes ups with a power-grab scheme to violate the Constitution, and make his worthless self King.


Just think, if George Bush's requested reform of Fannie and Freddie in 2003, or Chuck Hagle's in 2005 hadn't been blocked by Congressional Democrats we probably wouldn't be having this discussion.


This is from the Consumer Rights League a non-profit non-partison group>

Setting aside for a moment the sea of acronyms and allegations
swirling around the current housing correction, there
are a few core concepts at its base. Some claim fraud on a
massive scale, but at present there is insufficient evidence
to substantiate that allegation. A more serious—and more
supportable—explanation centers on the loosening of credit
and acceptance of greater risk both by borrowers and by
lenders seeking to serve riskier, non-traditional consumers.
It is here that ACORN is most clearly tied to the present
housing woes.
Whether by intention or by happy accident, ACORN
has become both a leading beneficiary and an important advocate
of the Community Reinvestment Act (CRA). Three
decades ago politicians, spurred by activist groups, found
that banks were engaging in “redlining”—refusing loans in
areas with high concentrations of individuals with low credit
scores. Legislators passed a bill that gave community groups
significant sway over bank mergers based on the banks’ record
of lending to minorities and the poor. The fact that
poor credit put such borrowers at higher risk for default
was deemed irrelevant. ACORN and AHC have taken
advantage of that 1977 bill and have aggressively argued—
since at least 1991—for its continuation. Given ACORN’s
reliance on AHC to funnel federal funds for “mortgage
counseling,” such support is hardly surprising.
By 1992 ACORN and AHC had for several years wielded
their CRA clout to pressure banks. Then The New York
Times published an in-depth examination of how changing
bank practices aligned with ACORN’s goals. The paper reported
from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania:
Prodded by Federal laws and an aggressive community-
action group called Acorn, banks here and
in other cities across the country have started making
mortgage loans in neighborhoods they have traditionally
avoided.
In Philadelphia, bankers are setting the rules for
this kind of lending. So far, $60 million has been lent
in a widely watched program. It matters little if an applicant
has a small income, an irregular job pattern or
collects welfare or food stamps. He or she might still
qualify for a mortgage, bankers here say—a radical
departure from traditional banking practices.10
The newspaper was quite clear about CRA’s role: “these
mortgages help banks fulfill somewhat vague obligations of the
Community Reinvestment Act of 1977, which requires banks
to invest in communities that provide them with deposits.”11
More than two decades on, scholars and economists
are now recognizing ACORN’s dual role in the present
“crisis”—as supporter and beneficiary of a financial regime
that made credit too cheap and easy to obtain. As
media panic mounted in 2007, Dr. Thomas DiLorenzo of
Loyola College argued that ACORN and its community allies
directly contributed to current problems with subprime
loans, writing that “thousands of mortgage defaults and
foreclosures in the ‘subprime’ housing market (i.e., mortgage
holders with poor credit ratings) . . . [are] . . . the direct
result of thirty years of government policy that has forced
banks to make bad loans to un-creditworthy borrowers.”12
Further, DiLorenzo argues:
The only way these borrowers could qualify for
their mortgage loans (even ignoring their bad credit
ratings) was to take out adjustable rate mortgages,
some of which had astonishingly low first-year rates
in the 3 percent range, and sometimes lower. This
is what has largely fueled the subprime mortgage
meltdown—the inability of thousands of subprime
borrowers to afford their mortgages now that their
rates have adjusted upward. Thus, the combination
of the Fed’s enforcement of the CRA (with the help
of political pressure groups like ACORN) and its post
9/11 monetary policy in general are the reasons for
the bursting real estate bubble and the “subprime”
mortgage meltdown.13

It's not like people didn't try and do something about it, look at the reform act of 2005.
McCain/Palin 08



Just wishing I could get a bail out too. I resent very much that these guys will lose nothing personally. They all sleep in the same bed.
More whine with my cheese please.


why is it people who owe student loans can't be forgiven? I cannot afford to pay mine no jobs,, no car, ,no gas,,no insurance? help me.


BAIL ME OUT
Is it just me - cause I don't get it. why are we bailing out companies during a time when most are out of work, unable to purchase cars,houses and obtain a loan. we are bailing out rich companies who will in spite of the bailout downsize and layoff no matter what. therefore we are giving to the greedy and not the working needy. instead fifteen-thousand for each household sounds tantalizing to me. what can each household do with fifteen-thousand dollars. let me count the ways:1 start a small business 2 hire others 3 up credit score or/and save it. In short instead of bailouts, financing each home $15,000 to purchase high end items will boast the economy.


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